silence.

i realized today that i'm afraid of silence. not in the monsters-under-the-bed, falling-to-your-death, man-eating-spiders kind of way, but still sort of scared, in that uncomfortable, claustrophobic, unsettling kind of way, where you just want it to be over as soon as possible. it's not that it makes me want to scream or gives me nightmares, it's just sort of chilling, and so i avoid it.

but today, i couldn't. i was walking through the park, from just below the met to west 66th street, by myself. i didn't have headphones for my iPod, and everyone i knew was either at work or traveling or probably just too busy to talk, so i had no one to call. so i was quiet.

and clearly, the city wasn't quiet - i mean, it's new york, so it's never quiet, but i was. and i'm never quiet. i smother the day in speech. maybe it's because i'm actually afraid of all the thoughts i never say. i guess if i'm talking, it means i won't have to listen, not even to myself. that sounds depressing. i'm not depressed. i think maybe i'm just a bad self-reflexive thinker. i'd rather talk about other things than be alone with my thoughts.

but ten minutes into the walk, i realized i wasn't actually the only person walking alone through the park - there was this woman out for a casual stroll, and all of the runners, of course, and even this guy, totally focused on playing his harmonica under a bridge for no reason other than to hear the music echo off the walls. and if all those people could sit alone with their thoughts, why can't i? 

okay, so maybe i'm afraid of silence. but, after i settled into it, it wasn't that bad of a walk. maybe - just maybe - that's a fear i can get over. now i just have to learn how to shut up every once in a while.